Is off my Christmas card list. He had this to say about me – “Trump’s poodle: a liar who does not pay attention to the detail of reality, tells people what they want to hear and relies on their ignorance”.

How rude!

I am on my way to becoming PM. Those intellectual pygmies Leadsom and McVey have been eliminated, along with Harper ( I confess I am not even sure who he is) and yours truly came first! Time for a sneaky trip to the bookies!

That’s my new policy. Cunning hey! Raise the threshold for higher rate tax . That will go down well with the Tory faithful!

Govey is in a bit of trouble on the cocaine front. Tee hee. I am vaguely confessing to some unknown white powder which I sneezed over!

“I truly believe that only I can steer the country between the Scylla and Charybdis of Corbyn and Farage and onto calmer waters,” is what I have announced in my Telegraph column. Catchy hey?

High Court has thrown out that attempt to prosecute me. That’s a relief – can’t have the PM ( which is what I will be) a convicted felon! Onwards and upwards!

That’s my upbeat pitch for votes to make me Tory leader! What can go wrong?