Chris Patten

Is off my Christmas card list. He had this to say about me – “Trump’s poodle: a liar who does not pay attention to the detail of reality, tells people what they want to hear and relies on their ignorance”.

How rude!

Round 1 to me!

I am on my way to becoming PM. Those intellectual pygmies Leadsom and McVey have been eliminated, along with Harper ( I confess I am not even sure who he is) and yours truly came first! Time for a sneaky trip to the bookies!

My message

I truly believe that only I can steer the country between the Scylla and Charybdis of Corbyn and Farage and onto calmer waters,” is what I have announced in my Telegraph column. Catchy hey?

Phew!

High Court has thrown out that attempt to prosecute me. That’s a relief – can’t have the PM ( which is what I will be) a convicted felon! Onwards and upwards!