That’s it! I have won! That’s shown them all!

I am going to stop my diary now. Some have suggested it’s satirical but there is a point when satire is indistinguishable from reality. Goodbye.

Has categorically promised we will do a trade deal with the EU by end of 2020 if we are elected. That’s good – I can blame him when it does nor happen!

Of course I am not scared of being interviewed by him! I am just busy!

I am on a roll. Four of that idiot Farage’s MEPs have joined us including Lord Snooty’s sister! Splendid news.

Corbyn has gone mad! But what if it’s a winner? Crikey!

Oh just butt out! She says it’s “shameful” that we are not publishing our report on Russian interference in the referendum. Of course there is nothing to hide – it’s entirely routine that it won’t be published till after the election (or ever with a bit of luck!).

I hear Farage’s ghastly Brexit party won’t stand in any seat we won last time. That’s a relief – domy want them splitting my vote!

Better news here – I have literally no idea what their Brexit policy is, so neither will Johnny public. That should mean anyone who feels strongly about Brexit either way will not vote for them! That might be enough to make my day.

That weasel Farage is making lots of noise about a pact with us. I can’t do that -political suicide. But theta means they will field candidates everywhere and steal my leave voters. Tricky…..

It’s on! 12 December. This could all go horribly wrong…..