That’s it! I have won! That’s shown them all!

I am going to stop my diary now. Some have suggested it’s satirical but there is a point when satire is indistinguishable from reality. Goodbye.

Has categorically promised we will do a trade deal with the EU by end of 2020 if we are elected. That’s good – I can blame him when it does nor happen!

Of course I am not scared of being interviewed by him! I am just busy!

I am on a roll. Four of that idiot Farage’s MEPs have joined us including Lord Snooty’s sister! Splendid news.

Corbyn has gone mad! But what if it’s a winner? Crikey!

Oh just butt out! She says it’s “shameful” that we are not publishing our report on Russian interference in the referendum. Of course there is nothing to hide – it’s entirely routine that it won’t be published till after the election (or ever with a bit of luck!).

I hear Farage’s ghastly Brexit party won’t stand in any seat we won last time. That’s a relief – domy want them splitting my vote!